This is a a question that I could probably write an entire book on but, for the sake of this blog, I will limit my answer to a couple of key points. Before I answer the question I do want to point out that not all marriages are less satisfying than their preceding relationships. We all hear about failed marriages, unhappy marriages and the high divorce rates but, there are happy and fulfilling marriages out in the world. There are people who learn to make marriages work and who get a great deal of satisfaction out of them. It is a shame we don't hear more about those marriages.
Point 1 Negative patterns have not yet been identified as problematic.
While negative patterns can develop at the start of a relationship, it usually takes a while for the patterns to be recognized as a problem. The early stages of a relationship are sometimes characterized by each member of the couple being so enraptured by the other that they overlook the behaviors that might normally be considered irritating or problematic. Even if troublesome behavior is noted, it is often cast aside as trivial. This can be due to the mystifying nature of being in love. Being in love can alter the vision of a person to only focus on the positive attributes of their mate. When negative behaviors are not dealt with early in the relationship, they will most likely surface later on (such as in the marriage) as a problem. What was once considered "cute" or "quirky" behavior in a partner could eventually be considered highly frustrating or irritating behavior. It is important even in the beginning stages of a relationship to figure out what behavior patterns or personality traits in your partner might cause issues for you down the road. Bringing those issues out into the open and working through them early on prevents turmoil down the road and starts improving the relationship right from the beginning.
Point 2 People sometimes stop trying to impress each other after marriage.
Before marriage, partners in a relationship are usually trying to impress each other to the extent of getting the other person to like them enough to consider marrying them. People go to great lengths to impress the person they are interested in marrying. They try to act on their best behavior, look their best, and meet the other person's needs as best as they can as well as many other things. All too often husbands and wives stop trying to impress each other after marriage. Once they get married, they no longer put in the same amount of effort into the relationship, they no longer go the extra mile to satisfy their spouse's needs.
I compare this situation to the difference that sometimes occurs between college athletes and professional athletes. Some people prefer to watch college athletes instead of professional athletes because they feel that the college players play with more integrity. The college athletes are trying to look their best in order to make it into the professional leagues. In short, they want to impress the professionals. Just like some married couples who put on a great pre-marriage show and drop the ball during marriage, there are some athletes that are phenomenal college players and turn out to be lousy professional athletes. The final goal set by some is just to become a professional athlete or just to become married. The problem arrives when that final goal is attained and there are no further goals to achieve. If there is no goal to have a lifelong marriage that is satisfying to both partners then, most likely there will not be one.
Marriage takes a lot of effort to maintain. Some people think that they can stop working at the relationship once they get married. The people that have successful marriages are the ones that start trying even harder once they get married!
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