Trimming The Hedges Of Your Social Life

Greetings Everyone!

Spring seems to have finally won the battle over winter.  For the first time in many months, I am writing this blog whilst my door wall is open letting in sunshine and a fresh springtime breeze.  I must admit it feels really nice after the unrelenting winter we experienced this year. Now that spring is here, it may be time to start thinking about trimming the hedges.  However, the traditional dark-green shrubbery in your front yard is not what I am referring to.  What I am eluding to is trimming down the negative influences in your social life.

Spring is synonymous with growth.  When we observe grass turning green and trees sprouting leaves, it can inspire growth in our emotional and social lives.  Once the weather breaks, many feel it is time to turn over a new leaf to start improving their lives.  This could come in the form of spring cleaning, starting a new exercise plan, or changing unhealthy eating habits.  Consider this; how about looking at your social circle to determine who is healthy for you and who is not?  

Hopefully, you have some people in your life who are inspiring and supportive, people who challenge you to be a better person and also let you know when you are going down an unhealthy path.  These are the types of people you should try to keep in your life.  Spending the majority of your time around these people will have a positive affect on your life and you will feel energized, loved and supported.  

How about the people in your life that are having a negative influence you? We all struggle with people in our lives at times that have a negative effect on us.  If you find yourself engaging in unhealthy thoughts or behavior when hanging around with certain people, there is a good chance that the relationship has an unhealthy dynamic.  If the people you are associating with are causing you to compromise your morals and ethics or stunting your growth, you might want want to consider:

1) Asking yourself if the problem lies within you, the other person, or the relationship itself.

2) Having a discussion.  If the problem lies within the other person or within the relationship itself, then consider having an open and honest discussion with the other person to see if you can make some positive changes.

3) Terminating the relationship.  Sometimes this is the only healthy choice.  If you have tried having an honest discussion with the other person to no avail and you feel the unhealthy dynamics will not change, then it comes down to determining what you value more; the unhealthy relationship or your own growth as an individual.  

Trimming and pruning hedges is what shapes them and encourages healthy and dense growth.  If you are looking to grow emotionally and socially or are frustrated with your lack of growth, eliminating or limiting contact with negative influences in your life may be something to look into.  

In my next post, I will be discussing how your current relationship dynamics with other people in your life are affected when you decide to make positive changes to your own life.  

If you are looking for help with emotional, psychological or relationship issues, please contact me for more information.  You can view my website and contact info here: thoughtperspectives.com.  Feel free to like my Facebook page here and follow me on Twitter here.  I look forward to providing any help I can in making your lives more satisfying and worthwhile.

Sincerely,

Nathan M. Comerford, MA, LPC, NCC

      

Back In The Saddle

Greetings Everyone!

I know it has been quite a while since my last post.  The past year-and-a-half has involved a lot of transition in my personal and professional life.  Toward the end of 2012, I decided it was time for me to move my practice (Thought Perspectives Counseling) to a new location in Novi, MI.  I was lucky enough to find an office space that met all of my needs right in downtown Novi.  

The decision to move has been a good one but, it took an enormous amount of time and effort to make it happen.  Moving itself wasn't so bad; I also decided to re-brand my practice, create a new website, update my approach to social media campaigns and integrate some new philosophies into my existing business model.  All this was happening while my wife started a new job in a remote location which prompted a personal move at the same time.  Word to the wise; don't move your business and your home at the same time.  

Needless to say, I am just now getting around to restarting my blog and social media campaigns.  You will start to see regular posts from me that discuss the following topics:

• Info & tips on how to deal with common mental health issues
• Current research in mental health
• Relationship advice
• Living an emotionally healthy life
• Stress management tips
• Advice for small business owners
• How counseling & psychotherapy works
• Life lessons from the therapy chair    

If any of you have any suggestions of specific topics you would like to see me cover, please feel free to leave comments in my blog or contact me through email, Twitter or Facebook.  

Lastly, please visit my new website at: thoughtperspectives.com and let me know what you think.  Feel free to like my Facebook page here and follow me on Twitter here.  I look forward to providing any help I can in making your lives more satisfying and worthwhile.  

Sincerely,

Nathan M. Comerford, MA, LPC, NCC

Definitions Of Depression

What is Clinical Depression?
    Clinical Depression (also known as major depression, major depressive disorder, and unipolar depression) is classified as a mood disorder by the DSM-IV-TR (a clinical reference manual for mental disorders).  This is an abbreviated definition of a Major Depressive Episode from the DSM-IV-TR: At least 5 of symptoms from the list below must have been met for at least a two week period and one of the symptoms must have been either 1) depressed mood or 2) loss of interest in pleasure.

1) Depressed mood the majority of the time.

2) Loss of interest in pleasure.

3) Significant weight loss or weight gain.

4) Significant increase or decrease in sleep.

5) Psychomotor agitation or retardation.

6) Fatigue.

7) Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt.

8) Diminished ability to think or concentrate.

9) Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.

     The symptoms must cause significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.  The presence of two or more Major Depressive Episodes would constitute Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent (clinical depression).

• What is the difference between Clinical Depression and Situational Depression?

     Situational depression is more commonly known as sadness related to an unfortunate  event or situation that may occur in everyday life.  Situational depression is normally temporary or short term and has little to no interference with one's normal life and daily functioning.  However, situational depression can lead to a more severe case of clinical depression if it is not treated or dealt with in a healthy and timely manner.

     Clinical depression is characterized by overwhelming feelings of loss, hopelessness, helplessness and despair that is more long term (at least 2 weeks or more) and interferes with one's normal life and everyday functioning.  Pyschological treatment is strongly recommended for clinical depression.  Pyschiatric treatment in the form of psychotropic drugs may be needed in some cases.


For more information, please visit: www.thoughtperspectives.com

Help Me, I'm Depressed: Questions Answered Regarding Depression.

Depression Statistics: 

• 14.8 million (6.7%) adult Americans are affected by Major Depressive Disorderin a given year.  (Archives of General Psychiatry, 2005 Jun; 62(6) : 617-27)
• Women experience depression at twice the rate of men.  (Journal of the American Medical Association, 1996)
• Depression is the cause of over two-thirds of the 30,000 suicides reported every year in the U.S.  (White House Conference on Mental Health, 1999)
• Despite its high treatment success rate, nearly two out of three people suffering with depression do not actively seek nor receive proper treatment.  (Depression And Bipolar Support Alliance, 1996)  

      As you can see from the statistics presented above, the pervasiveness of depression is highly significant among our population and it only gets worse as time moves forward.  I would like to start this series out by looking at why people with depression do not seek treatment or why they wait until the level of severity becomes so intense that it becomes much more difficult to treat.  

Question: If depression has a high treatment success rate, then why do people forego treatment? 

• When people are depressed, the motivation to seek help can evaporate.

     The paradoxical nature of depression is perhaps one of its most debilitating characteristics.  A person who is truly depressed can experience an almost complete reversal in behavior and personality traits.  When depression hits, instincts for self-preservation disappear, the panacea of sleep diminishes and biological drives such as sex and hunger become irrelevant.  Any enjoyment in life is replaced with the drive to intensify emotional pain and suffering.  For example, the depressed person will intentionally avoid engaging in behaviors or activities that will improve their situation.  Exercising, eating healthy and seeking out counseling or therapy are just a few things that will be avoided even though they are known to be helpful.  Escape, avoidance and withdrawal consume the depressed person.

     The motivation to seek help is absent because those experiencing depression become enraptured by pessimism and negative thought patterns. This in turn engenders beliefs that they deserve to be miserable and that they are undeserving of a happy and fulfilling life.  In other words, they do not seek help because they do not believe they are worthy of being helped.       

• Stigma in seeking help is still present.

     Even though counseling and psychotherapy have become much more accepted and mainstream since their inception, the stigma to seek out mental health services still presides.  Most people do not have a problem seeking out medical services when they are physically ill or having a medical crisis.  The same cannot be said for people experiencing mental illness or emotional crises.  Perhaps it is because people see that medical problems are outside their locus of control whereas emotional problems are not.  When it comes to emotional difficulties, many people feel that they should be able to handle them on their own without any outside assistance.  On a similar note, some even feel that they have some how failed in their personal lives if they have to ask for emotional assistance.  Not too many people feel guilty or ashamed to ask for help when they are afflicted with medical conditions like diabetes or cancer.  The fact remains that those who can humble themselves to seek help for their emotional and psychological problems are more likely to make improvements in their lives. 

For more information on depression, please visit http://www.thoughtperspectives.com.

Should I Go To College Or Find A Stable Job?

     I believe many people struggle with the same dilemma after graduating from high school.  Many feel pressured to decide what they are going to do with the rest of their lives as if their entire lives will revolve around that decision.  That is not necessarily the case.  I have met several people that have changed their majors in college or that have changed jobs several times before they finally settled on something they were content with.  Sometimes experience is the best teacher.  We do not always know what we want until we figure out what it is we do not want.  I guess what I am really trying to say is that it is OK to make mistakes as long as you learn from them. 

Suggestion 1- Figure out what it is you want for yourself and not what others want for you.

     This can be one of the most difficult things to decide for some people.  It is imperative that you choose a path that is personally satisfying to you.  There is a clear difference in the people that are employed doing something they really enjoy compared to those who dislike their jobs.  The ones who are doing something they love actually look forward to their work and feel they are making a difference in the world.  Those same people are usually much more productive because they are more motivated to do what it is they love.  This in turn make their lives more satisfying.  Life is too short to be stuck doing something that makes you miserable. 

You can start the process of figuring out what you want by asking yourself these questions:

• "What am I good at?"  
  "What are my natural gifts and talents?"
• "What do I like to do in my free time?"
• "What are the things that I definitely do not want to do?"
• "What are the things that I feel I am not very good at?"
• "What type of work would make me feel good about myself?"
• "What type of work would make me feel as if I am giving back?"
  "What kind of work environment would suit my personality type?"

     More times than not, the people who are satisfied with their professions are those that have a genuine love for their work in combination with having some amount of natural ability to perform the job.

Suggestion 2- Set some goals.

     Once you figure out what type of career you would like to pursue, the next logical step is to figure out how to get there.  Setting some goals is one of the best ways to do that.  You now need to ask yourself, "What is required to become whatever it is that I have chosen?"  Does it require a college degree?  Does it require experience in the field?  Does it require training through a trade school?  Find out the requirements and then come up with a plan to achieve those requirements.

Suggestion 3- Do what it takes to achieve your goals. 

     Figuring out what you want to do and actually following through with it are two very different things.  Those that have the will to set goals and follow through in achieving them will always have a much better chance of getting what they want.

     While deciding what you want to do and setting goals may seem like difficult tasks, following through with your plan will probably be the most difficult.  Are you prepared to make the necessary sacrifices?  Depending on what you choose to do, certain sacrifices might include; working and going to school simultaneously, sleeping less hours, socializing less, financial hardship and feeling stressed out or overburdened.  Life is not easy and by default, neither is starting a career.  If you have the drive and integrity to work for what you want, then you can make it happen.  It will just take time, patience, hard work and sticking to a well thought out plan to make it come together.

     In closing I would just like to say that there are many people that become successful by going to college and utilizing their degree.  There are also people that do not reach any level of success by getting a college degree.  There are also people that are extremely successful and satisfied that work in the trades and service industries.  In the U.S., most people seem to be encouraged to attend college in order to find a good job.  That is not always the best plan for each person.  Every person is not suited for college.  Some people make great livings by doing things that are not taught in colleges. 

     Going to college just to "go to college" will probably not do much good if there is not a plan in place for utilizing the degree.  Asking yourself, "Will this degree help me to do what I want to do?" is a very useful and important question to ask.  If a college degree will not assist you in attaining your goals then a different path should most likely be taken.

     For more information on counI believe many people struggle with the same dilemma after graduating from high school.  Many feel pressured to decide what they are going to do with the rest of their lives as if their entire lives will revolve around that decision.  That is not necessarily the case.  I have met several people that have changed their majors in college or that have changed jobs several times before they finally settled on something they were content with.  Sometimes experience is the best teacher.  We do not always know what we want until we figure out what it is we do not want.  I guess what I am really trying to say is that it is OK to make mistakes as long as you learn from them. 

Suggestion 1- Figure out what it is you want for yourself and not what others want for you.

     This can be one of the most difficult things to decide for some people.  It is imperative that you choose a path that is personally satisfying to you.  There is a clear difference in the people that are employed doing something they really enjoy compared to those who dislike their jobs.  The ones who are doing something they love actually look forward to their work and feel they are making a difference in the world.  Those same people are usually much more productive because they are more motivated to do what it is they love.  This in turn make their lives more satisfying.  Life is too short to be stuck doing something that makes you miserable. 

You can start the process of figuring out what you want by asking yourself these questions:

• "What am I good at?"  
  "What are my natural gifts and talents?"
• "What do I like to do in my free time?"
• "What are the things that I definitely do not want to do?"
• "What are the things that I feel I am not very good at?"
• "What type of work would make me feel good about myself?"
• "What type of work would make me feel as if I am giving back?"
  "What kind of work environment would suit my personality type?"

     More times than not, the people who are satisfied with their professions are those that have a genuine love for their work in combination with having some amount of natural ability to perform the job.

Suggestion 2- Set some goals.

     Once you figure out what type of career you would like to pursue, the next logical step is to figure out how to get there.  Setting some goals is one of the best ways to do that.  You now need to ask yourself, "What is required to become whatever it is that I have chosen?"  Does it require a college degree?  Does it require experience in the field?  Does it require training through a trade school?  Find out the requirements and then come up with a plan to achieve those requirements.

Suggestion 3- Do what it takes to achieve your goals. 

     Figuring out what you want to do and actually following through with it are two very different things.  Those that have the will to set goals and follow through in achieving them will always have a much better chance of getting what they want.

     While deciding what you want to do and setting goals may seem like difficult tasks, following through with your plan will probably be the most difficult.  Are you prepared to make the necessary sacrifices?  Depending on what you choose to do, certain sacrifices might include; working and going to school simultaneously, sleeping less hours, socializing less, financial hardship and feeling stressed out or overburdened.  Life is not easy and by default, neither is starting a career.  If you have the drive and integrity to work for what you want, then you can make it happen.  It will just take time, patience, hard work and sticking to a well thought out plan to make it come together.

     In closing I would just like to say that there are many people that become successful by going to college and utilizing their degree.  There are also people that do not reach any level of success by getting a college degree.  There are also people that are extremely successful and satisfied that work in the trades and service industries.  In the U.S., most people seem to be encouraged to attend college in order to find a good job.  That is not always the best plan for each person.  Every person is not suited for college.  Some people make great livings by doing things that are not taught in colleges. 

     Going to college just to "go to college" will probably not do much good if there is not a plan in place for utilizing the degree.  Asking yourself, "Will this degree help me to do what I want to do?" is a very useful and important question to ask.  If a college degree will not assist you in attaining your goals then a different path should most likely be taken.

     For more information on counseling & psychotherapy or to schedule an appointment, please visit: http://www.thoughtperspectives.com.

Why Do Relationships Seem To Be More Satisfying Before Marriage?

     This is a a question that I could probably write an entire book on but, for the sake of this blog, I will limit my answer to a couple of key points.  Before I answer the question I do want to point out that not all marriages are less satisfying than their preceding relationships.  We all hear about failed marriages, unhappy marriages and the high divorce rates but, there are happy and fulfilling marriages out in the world.  There are people who learn to make marriages work and who get a great deal of satisfaction out of them.  It is a shame we don't hear more about those marriages.     

Point 1  Negative patterns have not yet been identified as problematic. 

     While negative patterns can develop at the start of a relationship, it usually takes a while for the patterns to be recognized as a problem.  The early stages of a relationship are sometimes characterized by each member of the couple being so enraptured by the other that they overlook the behaviors that might normally be considered irritating or problematic.  Even if troublesome behavior is noted, it is often cast aside as trivial.  This can be due to the mystifying nature of being in love.  Being in love can alter the vision of a person to only focus on the positive attributes of their mate.  When negative behaviors are not dealt with early in the relationship, they will most likely surface later on (such as in the marriage) as a problem.  What was once considered "cute" or "quirky" behavior in a partner could eventually be considered highly frustrating or irritating behavior.  It is important even in the beginning stages of a relationship to figure out what behavior patterns or personality traits in your partner might cause issues for you down the road.  Bringing those issues out into the open and working through them early on prevents turmoil down the road and starts improving the relationship right from the beginning.

Point 2  People sometimes stop trying to impress each other after marriage.

     Before marriage, partners in a relationship are usually trying to impress each other to the extent of getting the other person to like them enough to consider marrying them.  People go to great lengths to impress the person they are interested in marrying.  They try to act on their best behavior, look their best, and meet the other person's needs as best as they can as well as many other things.  All too often husbands and wives stop trying to impress each other after marriage.  Once they get married, they no longer put in the same amount of effort into the relationship, they no longer go the extra mile to satisfy their spouse's needs.  

     I compare this situation to the difference that sometimes occurs between college athletes and professional athletes.  Some people prefer to watch college athletes instead of professional athletes because they feel that the college players play with more integrity.  The college athletes are trying to look their best in order to make it into the professional leagues.  In short, they want to impress the professionals.  Just like some married couples who put on a great pre-marriage show and drop the ball during marriage, there are some athletes that are phenomenal college players and turn out to be lousy professional athletes.  The final goal set by some is just to become a professional athlete or just to become married.  The problem arrives when that final goal is attained and there are no further goals to achieve.  If there is no goal to have a lifelong marriage that is satisfying to both partners then, most likely there will not be one. 

     Marriage takes a lot of effort to maintain.  Some people think that they can stop working at the relationship once they get married.  The people that have successful marriages are the ones that start trying even harder once they get married! 

     For more information on counseling and psychotherapy or to schedule an appointment, please visit: http://www.thoughtperspectives.com.

How Important Is Premarital Counseling?

     Premarital counseling is perhaps the most important thing a couple can do to prepare for marriage.  For those that are serious about fulfilling the needs of their loved ones and making marriage last, premarital counseling needs to become a priority. 

     Over the years I have encountered many couples that have been reluctant to initiate premarital counseling for numerous reasons.  Some couples believe that they know each other so well that there is nothing a counselor can say to improve their relationship.  To those couples I will say that all couples can benefit from having an objective evaluation done by a well trained counselor.  Not all couples going into marriage need a complete relationship overhaul but, even those with minimal problems could benefit from some tweaking.  I feel that is better to be over-prepared than to be under-prepared when it comes to making life changing decisions like getting married.  Other couples shy away from premarital counseling because they are afraid that the counseling process might illuminate the faults in their relationship.  They would rather go into the marriage blindfolded and hope that their problems will magically work themselves out, in which case marital discord or divorce is imminent. 

     Lastly, there are couples that feel premarital counseling is just too expensive.  I have heard statements like, "We just don't have the money for premarital counseling with all of our other wedding expenses".  The average cost of a wedding in the U.S. is approximately $30,000.  The average cost of a wedding in Farmington Hills, MI is about $40,000 with an upward range of $50,000.  Those numbers do not even include the cost of the engagement ring and the honeymoon.  The typical couple also budgets for less than 50% of what they spend on a wedding.  People spend a superfluous amount of money on churches, halls, cakes, gowns, photographers as well as many other things for a wedding and they conclude that they cannot afford premarital counseling.  They have their budget completely upside down.  Couples need to start their budget with premarital counseling.  After all, is not the marital relationship the most important part of the marriage?

     Divorce statistics alone should be enough to get people to engage in premarital counseling.  According to the Michigan Department of Community Heatlh, the average percentage of marriages ending in divorce in 2005 was 58% in the State of Michigan.  The percentage of divorce in the tri-county area (Oakland, Macomb, Wayne) reached 60% in 2005.  Premarital counseling was invented to prevent divorce and protect the marital relationship.  Those who think that you do not have to emotionally prepare for marriage are fooling themselves.  Premarital counseling helps couples prepare for the inevitable tough times and disagreements in marital life.  

     The decision to spend the rest of your life with someone can be an overwhelming thought, which is exactly why couples should not enter into a marriage without being completely prepared.  Couples in today's society face higher demands than ever before and they seem to have less support.  Managing dual careers and raising children at the same time requires that couples have a strong relationship which includes; well established abilities of communication, competence of conflict resolution and the facility to set goals together.  Every advantage is needed for couples to survive in today's marriages.  

     Comprehensive research on the effectiveness of premarital counseling has shown that couples who go through premarital counseling gain a 30% increase in overall relationship quality and interpersonal skills (Carroll & Doherty, 2003).  The same study also showed that the positive effects of premarital counseling can happen immediately within the relationship.

     For more information on premarital counseling or other types of counseling please visit http://www.thoughtperspectives.com.