Why Do Relationships Seem To Be More Satisfying Before Marriage?

     This is a a question that I could probably write an entire book on but, for the sake of this blog, I will limit my answer to a couple of key points.  Before I answer the question I do want to point out that not all marriages are less satisfying than their preceding relationships.  We all hear about failed marriages, unhappy marriages and the high divorce rates but, there are happy and fulfilling marriages out in the world.  There are people who learn to make marriages work and who get a great deal of satisfaction out of them.  It is a shame we don't hear more about those marriages.     

Point 1  Negative patterns have not yet been identified as problematic. 

     While negative patterns can develop at the start of a relationship, it usually takes a while for the patterns to be recognized as a problem.  The early stages of a relationship are sometimes characterized by each member of the couple being so enraptured by the other that they overlook the behaviors that might normally be considered irritating or problematic.  Even if troublesome behavior is noted, it is often cast aside as trivial.  This can be due to the mystifying nature of being in love.  Being in love can alter the vision of a person to only focus on the positive attributes of their mate.  When negative behaviors are not dealt with early in the relationship, they will most likely surface later on (such as in the marriage) as a problem.  What was once considered "cute" or "quirky" behavior in a partner could eventually be considered highly frustrating or irritating behavior.  It is important even in the beginning stages of a relationship to figure out what behavior patterns or personality traits in your partner might cause issues for you down the road.  Bringing those issues out into the open and working through them early on prevents turmoil down the road and starts improving the relationship right from the beginning.

Point 2  People sometimes stop trying to impress each other after marriage.

     Before marriage, partners in a relationship are usually trying to impress each other to the extent of getting the other person to like them enough to consider marrying them.  People go to great lengths to impress the person they are interested in marrying.  They try to act on their best behavior, look their best, and meet the other person's needs as best as they can as well as many other things.  All too often husbands and wives stop trying to impress each other after marriage.  Once they get married, they no longer put in the same amount of effort into the relationship, they no longer go the extra mile to satisfy their spouse's needs.  

     I compare this situation to the difference that sometimes occurs between college athletes and professional athletes.  Some people prefer to watch college athletes instead of professional athletes because they feel that the college players play with more integrity.  The college athletes are trying to look their best in order to make it into the professional leagues.  In short, they want to impress the professionals.  Just like some married couples who put on a great pre-marriage show and drop the ball during marriage, there are some athletes that are phenomenal college players and turn out to be lousy professional athletes.  The final goal set by some is just to become a professional athlete or just to become married.  The problem arrives when that final goal is attained and there are no further goals to achieve.  If there is no goal to have a lifelong marriage that is satisfying to both partners then, most likely there will not be one. 

     Marriage takes a lot of effort to maintain.  Some people think that they can stop working at the relationship once they get married.  The people that have successful marriages are the ones that start trying even harder once they get married! 

     For more information on counseling and psychotherapy or to schedule an appointment, please visit: http://www.thoughtperspectives.com.

How Important Is Premarital Counseling?

     Premarital counseling is perhaps the most important thing a couple can do to prepare for marriage.  For those that are serious about fulfilling the needs of their loved ones and making marriage last, premarital counseling needs to become a priority. 

     Over the years I have encountered many couples that have been reluctant to initiate premarital counseling for numerous reasons.  Some couples believe that they know each other so well that there is nothing a counselor can say to improve their relationship.  To those couples I will say that all couples can benefit from having an objective evaluation done by a well trained counselor.  Not all couples going into marriage need a complete relationship overhaul but, even those with minimal problems could benefit from some tweaking.  I feel that is better to be over-prepared than to be under-prepared when it comes to making life changing decisions like getting married.  Other couples shy away from premarital counseling because they are afraid that the counseling process might illuminate the faults in their relationship.  They would rather go into the marriage blindfolded and hope that their problems will magically work themselves out, in which case marital discord or divorce is imminent. 

     Lastly, there are couples that feel premarital counseling is just too expensive.  I have heard statements like, "We just don't have the money for premarital counseling with all of our other wedding expenses".  The average cost of a wedding in the U.S. is approximately $30,000.  The average cost of a wedding in Farmington Hills, MI is about $40,000 with an upward range of $50,000.  Those numbers do not even include the cost of the engagement ring and the honeymoon.  The typical couple also budgets for less than 50% of what they spend on a wedding.  People spend a superfluous amount of money on churches, halls, cakes, gowns, photographers as well as many other things for a wedding and they conclude that they cannot afford premarital counseling.  They have their budget completely upside down.  Couples need to start their budget with premarital counseling.  After all, is not the marital relationship the most important part of the marriage?

     Divorce statistics alone should be enough to get people to engage in premarital counseling.  According to the Michigan Department of Community Heatlh, the average percentage of marriages ending in divorce in 2005 was 58% in the State of Michigan.  The percentage of divorce in the tri-county area (Oakland, Macomb, Wayne) reached 60% in 2005.  Premarital counseling was invented to prevent divorce and protect the marital relationship.  Those who think that you do not have to emotionally prepare for marriage are fooling themselves.  Premarital counseling helps couples prepare for the inevitable tough times and disagreements in marital life.  

     The decision to spend the rest of your life with someone can be an overwhelming thought, which is exactly why couples should not enter into a marriage without being completely prepared.  Couples in today's society face higher demands than ever before and they seem to have less support.  Managing dual careers and raising children at the same time requires that couples have a strong relationship which includes; well established abilities of communication, competence of conflict resolution and the facility to set goals together.  Every advantage is needed for couples to survive in today's marriages.  

     Comprehensive research on the effectiveness of premarital counseling has shown that couples who go through premarital counseling gain a 30% increase in overall relationship quality and interpersonal skills (Carroll & Doherty, 2003).  The same study also showed that the positive effects of premarital counseling can happen immediately within the relationship.

     For more information on premarital counseling or other types of counseling please visit http://www.thoughtperspectives.com.